79 (non-violent) things to do with my jack knife.

For my birthday Andrew got me a beautiful beautiful knife, which he carved my name into along with some gorgeous designs. (a sunshine, and a dinosaur, and even a little snail)
Ive always wanted a jackknife. Ever since i was 4. Apart from the obvious forceful conquering of my enemies, i never really knew what exactly i'd do with a knife. i just dreamt of having one to call my very own.
While driving back to Kingston from the Soo i made myself a list 79 of non-violent things to do with my new knife. however for the sake of sharing, i have narrowed it down to the top 29 things i intend to do:

1. remove a bullet from the open wound of a suffering bystander
2. amputation, (only if requested, and if necessary)
3. intimidate leeches.
4. covert slashing of authorities tires, ie( corrupt capitalist politicians, war mongers and police) the greater good of the environment.
5. give brendan a haircut, or a quick shave. (preferably while he sleeps)
6. fillet eggplants
7. uncouth decision making.
8. create vintage shorts
9. ethical "persuasion"
10. archaeological digs
11. cut strangulation devices and ropes, to free strangled subjects.
12. pick locks that lead to secret and forbidden areas (preferably penitentiaries. so i can free the captives)
13. stop eminent explosions by releasing air or gas pressure
14. butter breads with various spreads, such as hummus, tzekiki, babaganoush etc.
15. give amateur body piercings to loved ones
16. chisel ice into wedding sculptures.
17. make a hole in someone's flesh to suck out venom (if asked to)
18. censor books and or vinyl records
19. make pelts out of raodkill, for the less fortunate.
20. add breathing holes to cages and terrariums
21. sign checks/legal documents with my own blood
22. (warrented adult) circumcision (in emergency case only)
23. relieve the uncomfortableness of tight clothing
24. covertly end all sports. (deflating sports balls mid game)
25. pick wild flowers (its a good one 'cause sometimes they're in there pretty good)
26. peacefully hot wire buses or small motorcycles
27. mince fine garlic
28. cut chelsea's son's umbilical cord
29. harvest pearls from clams. (its the only precious stone made through hardship).

lake fight.

Dino-might

22 years ago, on sunday i was an overweight purple fat baby struggling to live.

they put me in a plastic tank. with wires on my head. i lived.

so i dance. every year i dance to remember that its great to be born.

dancing barefoot on the beach, at dusk while weaving in and out of tiki torches with loved ones is one of my many little birthday rituals.

in these moments, once a year, i am free. i am reminded im loved. i reminded i am alive.

this year some traditions were kept. some were broken. some were made.

KEPT:

* traditional 'Orange Dream' cheers with my mom & favorite aunt and my cousin Jay. (they havnt missed a single birthday) :)

* the traditional rad cake.

this year - DINOSAUR and volcano

BROKEN:

* Family friends Yvonne& Juhanni have celebrated with me for the past 15 years. This year they couldn't make it in physical body, so as a gift they made full sized masks of themselves. i love having middle-aged friends. :)

MADE:
Andrew spoiled me.....with the gift of a JACKKNIFE. (my lifelong dream) ( the knife in fact is so wonderful it deserves its own blog entry tommorrow)Andrew also surprised me with my very own DINOSAUR outfit! the teeth and the eyes GLOW in the dark! good gracious im lucky.

we danced. to CCR and James brown.we danced as good as any t-rex can dance. and i was a very very happy girl.

an ode to alice cooper

"One thing I miss is Cold Ethyl and her skeleton kiss

we met last night making love under the refrigerator light" -- Alice Cooper

When I was six, I proudly sang the entire song, "Cold Ethyl" to my Sunday School teacher. I figured she'd especially dig the line, "If i live 'till ninety-seven/You'll still be waiting in refrigerator heaven". Anyone who uses the word heaven in a song, obviously loves jesus. To my surprise my teacher, the middle-aged churchlady responded to my simple song about necrophilia, with more horror than aww. It took me many years after that to realize why ms. mcgonegal didn't adore alice cooper.

my dad sang me alice cooper for bedtime songs.

the album "Weclome to my nightmare" was a sing-along fest for father-daughter car rides.

When i was 9 or so I did my first mini oral presentation about my favorite spider--my "research" was based solely on the lyrics from "The Black Widow". when asked by my teacher why i chose to talk about black widows, i responded by reciting the following lyrics to my fourth grade class:

"You know what I love the most about her is her inborn need to dominate possess. In fact, immediately after the consummation of her marriage to the smaller and weaker male of the species she kills and eats him (laugh) oh, she is delicious.. and i hope he was! such power and dignity.... unhampered by sentiment. If i may put forward a slice of personal philosophy, I feel that man has ruled this world as a stumbling demented child-king for long enough! and as his empire crumbles, my precious lack Widow shall rise, as his most fitting successor!"

(awkward silence followed)

For my 10th Birthday my parents took me to see him in concert. i was by far the youngest fan there, but i sang along to all his songs just as passionately. i swear to this day he looked me in the eye, and pointed to my smile when he sang, "poison". after that i caried his photograph in my pencil case for 4 years.

At 13, when i got my first period, I listened mournfully to "Only Women bleed" and wept.

Alice Cooper trumped my childhood crushes on Fidel Castro and Tom Delong, simply because he was more than a girlcrush. he was the lullabyes of my girlhood. the soundtrack of my youth- the voice that, oddly, continues to connect me to my past.

Last week a stranger who couldn't find a bed slept on our couch. we awkwardly sat across from eachother while sipping tea, not knowing what to say. he needed shelter, i needed company. we both needed something to talk about. then it happened, an alice cooper song broke the silence, and his toothless, adorable grin beamed brightly as a toothless adorable grin could, and there i sat, in my living room, singing along to alice cooper with a middle aged aged homeless man who liked to rock.

thank you jesus for creating alice cooper.