For my birthday Andrew got me a beautiful beautiful knife, which he carved my name into along with some gorgeous designs. (a sunshine, and a dinosaur, and even a little snail)Ive always wanted a jackknife. Ever since i was 4. Apart from the obvious forceful conquering of my enemies, i never really knew what exactly i'd do with a knife. i just dreamt of having one to call my very own.
While driving back to Kingston from the Soo i made myself a list 79 of non-violent things to do with my new knife. however for the sake of sharing, i have narrowed it down to the top 29 things i intend to do:
1. remove a bullet from the open wound of a suffering bystander
2. amputation, (only if requested, and if necessary)
3. intimidate leeches.
4. covert slashing of authorities tires, ie( corrupt capitalist politicians, war mongers and police) the greater good of the environment.
5. give brendan a haircut, or a quick shave. (preferably while he sleeps)
6. fillet eggplants
7. uncouth decision making.
8. create vintage shorts
9. ethical "persuasion"
10. archaeological digs
11. cut strangulation devices and ropes, to free strangled subjects.
12. pick locks that lead to secret and forbidden areas (preferably penitentiaries. so i can free the captives)
13. stop eminent explosions by releasing air or gas pressure
14. butter breads with various spreads, such as hummus, tzekiki, babaganoush etc.
15. give amateur body piercings to loved ones
16. chisel ice into wedding sculptures.
17. make a hole in someone's flesh to suck out venom (if asked to)
18. censor books and or vinyl records
19. make pelts out of raodkill, for the less fortunate.
20. add breathing holes to cages and terrariums
21. sign checks/legal documents with my own blood
22. (warrented adult) circumcision (in emergency case only)
23. relieve the uncomfortableness of tight clothing
24. covertly end all sports. (deflating sports balls mid game)
25. pick wild flowers (its a good one 'cause sometimes they're in there pretty good)
26. peacefully hot wire buses or small motorcycles
27. mince fine garlic
28. cut chelsea's son's umbilical cord
29. harvest pearls from clams. (its the only precious stone made through hardship).
I love lists!
ReplyDeleteIt could be argued that #22 does not fall under the category of "non-violent".
I sincerely hope that #28 comes to pass. You better send that thing along in the overnight bag when they leave for the hospital.
I just looked up "violence" on dictionary.com:
ReplyDelete-damage through distortion or unwarranted alteration
-swift and intense force
-rough or injurious physical force, action, or treatment
-an unjust or unwarranted exertion of force or power, as against rights or laws
I think #22 is definitely violent.
i suppose i could preform warranted circumsision if the male subject was over the age of 25 and had a terribly infected foreskin due to some freak accident and said infection would enter into his blood system and kill his spirit and his poor poor 25 year old body. in this case, i may have to non-violently alter or distort his junk.
ReplyDeleteif he asks. nicely.
but other than that, ill be sure to keep my practice of circumsion to a bare minimal.
its a promise.
Thanks! I feel much better now!
ReplyDeleteI feel a deep sense of relief that I now know who to call in case I get bit by another spider (#17). You might want to note that I have seen Dave do #19 and that knife better be SHARP or it makes QUITE a mess.
ReplyDelete#29 may be difficult as clams don't make pearls. I think that your knife would be better used on oysters for this task!
ReplyDeletedear todd,
ReplyDeleteTheoretically any bivalve can produce a pearl, and this does include clams.
love shannon
samuel l . jackson.your comment has made my day!
ReplyDelete