an ode to alice cooper

"One thing I miss is Cold Ethyl and her skeleton kiss

we met last night making love under the refrigerator light" -- Alice Cooper

When I was six, I proudly sang the entire song, "Cold Ethyl" to my Sunday School teacher. I figured she'd especially dig the line, "If i live 'till ninety-seven/You'll still be waiting in refrigerator heaven". Anyone who uses the word heaven in a song, obviously loves jesus. To my surprise my teacher, the middle-aged churchlady responded to my simple song about necrophilia, with more horror than aww. It took me many years after that to realize why ms. mcgonegal didn't adore alice cooper.

my dad sang me alice cooper for bedtime songs.

the album "Weclome to my nightmare" was a sing-along fest for father-daughter car rides.

When i was 9 or so I did my first mini oral presentation about my favorite spider--my "research" was based solely on the lyrics from "The Black Widow". when asked by my teacher why i chose to talk about black widows, i responded by reciting the following lyrics to my fourth grade class:

"You know what I love the most about her is her inborn need to dominate possess. In fact, immediately after the consummation of her marriage to the smaller and weaker male of the species she kills and eats him (laugh) oh, she is delicious.. and i hope he was! such power and dignity.... unhampered by sentiment. If i may put forward a slice of personal philosophy, I feel that man has ruled this world as a stumbling demented child-king for long enough! and as his empire crumbles, my precious lack Widow shall rise, as his most fitting successor!"

(awkward silence followed)

For my 10th Birthday my parents took me to see him in concert. i was by far the youngest fan there, but i sang along to all his songs just as passionately. i swear to this day he looked me in the eye, and pointed to my smile when he sang, "poison". after that i caried his photograph in my pencil case for 4 years.

At 13, when i got my first period, I listened mournfully to "Only Women bleed" and wept.

Alice Cooper trumped my childhood crushes on Fidel Castro and Tom Delong, simply because he was more than a girlcrush. he was the lullabyes of my girlhood. the soundtrack of my youth- the voice that, oddly, continues to connect me to my past.

Last week a stranger who couldn't find a bed slept on our couch. we awkwardly sat across from eachother while sipping tea, not knowing what to say. he needed shelter, i needed company. we both needed something to talk about. then it happened, an alice cooper song broke the silence, and his toothless, adorable grin beamed brightly as a toothless adorable grin could, and there i sat, in my living room, singing along to alice cooper with a middle aged aged homeless man who liked to rock.

thank you jesus for creating alice cooper.