golden calf

i have a strange and mystical relationship with the wallpaper in my bedroom at Grandma's house; i've secretly worshiped it for the past 18 or so years.

when i was a young'in about 5 years-old or so, i remember feeling quite distraught and unsatisfied with the idea of God being a "man".

i concluded that it would feel much better if i had a god woman to talk to instead. so, one night during a heated prayer, i negotiated with the heavenly father to reveal to me a good hearted spirit mother instead.

Several weeks later, I found this image on my grandma's wall.

Despite its obscurity, I swore and continue to swear that the leafs and flowers form the shape of a lovely nature woman face.

For years and years whenever I slept at my grandma's, i prayed to this mysterious face in the wallpaper, until i fell alseep. sometimes id pray until i cried. and then cried until i fell alseep.

she was the woman side of god.

and i dug it.

It's odd because it wasn't until this month that I realized that this spiritual relationship with wallpaper is sort of bizarre....perhaps even "pagan", as andrew so kindly pointed out...

but as strange as it is, whenever i see that face i am reminded of a time when i couldn't fall alseep unless i sung god a little song into my pillow. i couldn't dream unless i gave my praise to the creator. when tears ment gratitude, not pain.

i miss those times.

and as strange as it is, before going to sleep the other night, i caught myself praying to the wall paper again.

im secretly comforted by the fact that i can see she-god on the wall beside me.